My dear neighbors (who will never read this, but I still need to put it out there in case the reader recognizes himself doing the same things),

You live in an apartment building, not your own free-standing house. Please remember that you have neighbors, using the same sidewalk, lawn, parking lot, courtyard, and dumpster as you. With that in mind, I have some helpful suggestions for showing respect for your neighbors:

1. Don’t haul out the entire contents of your unit and put them in and around the dumpster the day that the trash is taken, thereby forcing the other 7 tenants to find somewhere else to put their trash for a week. Don’t think I didn’t notice the couch that you wedged on-end in the dumpster.
2. Clean up after your pets. Seriously.
3. Don’t let your kids run around unsupervised. Cars whip around the alley behind the building and I don’t trust the shady people that I see passing by all the time. It would take 2 seconds to run them over or kidnap them. You don’t even know me, for that matter, and your kids have tried to follow me into my home on numerous occasions. Fortunately, I’m safe.
4. Everyone else doesn’t want to hear you and your buddy enjoying the subwoofers in your trunk at 7:30 in the morning.
5. Don’t leave personal belongings on the stoop. I shouldn’t have to step over your trash or your laundry to get out of my unit. Don’t be lazy.

Thanks much,

Your mild-mannered neighbor